Wednesday, February 22, 2006
In which I find my therapist knows more than I do.

At therapy last Thursday, Kerrie and I discussed my relationship (or lack there-of) with my mother. The conversation went something like this:

Kerrie: Do you think your mother is going to try to get in touch with you now that your sister is?

Me: I don't know, why would she?

Kerrie: There is a biological relationship between you, maybe she wants an emotional one as well. How would you feel about that?

Me: I think I have enough friends right now. I mean, I wouldn't avoid talking to her if she wanted to, but I really don't see what either of us would gain from it at this point.

Kerrie: What do you think she would say?

Me: She would cry and say she was sorry. It used to happen all the time when she was drunk and I was really little. I hated it.

Kerrie: At least she knows that what she did was wrong, and apologized. That doesn't make you think you could have a relationship with her?

Me: No.

Kerrie: Does it make you angry that she hasn't been around for you?

Me: No. These are the questions the staff at the residential always asked. Really, I'm fine with my mother leaving, I can understand why she did it. I'm not angry, in fact, I harbor no resentment. I haven't even thought about her until my sister wrote. I'd say I'm pretty apathetic about it.

Kerrie: Most of the time, kids who grow up with a lot of relationship problems with the one parent who is around all the time don't notice that they actually have much larger issues with the parent who is not always there. As they become adults, they do a lot of shifting blame so that one parent becomes "the big problem with my childhood" and the other goes mostly ignored. Like you said you feel apathetic-- do you think that you subconsiously have issues with your mother's actions?

Me: No, but that was very interesting to know. Can we talk about something else now?



Then last night there was the dream. My sister said she was coming to stay with me for a few days. When she showed up at my door, my mother was with her. I invited them in, and we talked and laughed and got to know each other. Everything went really well until my mother made some comment.....I believe it was "Your kids are so messy", or "They sure do make a big mess".....something along those lines.

At that moment, I was overwhelmed with anger. I can't really rationalize why now, but in my dream it made sense. And I flipped out. I screamed at her about maybe that's because I don't know how to teach them to be neat because I never had anyone teach me (my dream way of saying she was never around, once again not rational anymore). I told her I remembered everything -- feeding my brother sugar packets and cereal because he was hugry and no one else was home, her boyfriend coming over to "take a nap", the realization that they weren't taking naps when my dad came home and jumped through the window because the door was locked and beat the crap out of him while they (mom and her boyfriend) were still naked, my sobs after -not because my dad got arrested- but because there was a little bird dead under his tuck and I was sure he did it on purpose, etc...... And I screamed until I could no longer scream, at which point I growled. Then I woke up.

*please note that those memories were ones that me and my dad used to laugh aobut while having beers together. When you write it down it really sounds bad, but I assure you I was mostly unaffected. Also, the "realization that they weren't taking naps" doesn't mean I knew they were having sex. It was much, much later that I put all the peices together. I just knew they weren't sleeping because my dad wouldn't be that mad about naps lol.

So, I guess my therapist knows way more than I do, and maybe I should start taking her more seriously. Also, it seems as though there will be a whole new set of issues to work out.






2 Comments:
Blogger Heidi had this to say:

what your therapist said is very interesting indeed... there is a situation in my life that I can see (concerning my step-sister's relationship with her Dad and Mom) where what your therapist said seems to ring true. if you're interested in the story, email me. ;)

anyway, I wish you the best in figuring out what's going on in that mind of your's. I'm sure it is a difficult journey to take, but I believe you can do this, magnolia. good luck, hon! ((((hugs))))

2:32 PM EST 

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