Wednesday, October 19, 2005


Today sucks.

My mind is totally running around in circles. I can't quite tell if I'm coming or going. Hero is involved in another incident at work that doesn't involve HIM per se, just what he witnessed. It's really stressful for him to have to be interrogated about something that he saw over and over again. I have a hard time not getting stressed when Hero is, mostly because he is usually the stable one.

J and I went out for coffee, it was wonderfully. It's so funny how we can immediately go back to being bf again without any kind of transitional phase. She's still not in a sober house which has me worried.

I was "babysitting" a friend's two children today. My kids were playing in some water that was in the empty sandbox (didn't even cover the bottom), as it was hot today. With no word, the mother of these kids disappeared. I took responsibility for them (they are very, very young), and they played in the water with my girls. When the mother came back (20 mins. later), she screamed for the two year old to come over to her. He did, and he got a rather intense spanking for getting his shoes wet. I explained to her that it was my fault, as I didn't tell them they couldn't play in the water. She didn't care, but I feel really, really bad... Wont do that again.

Hero's mother called him. It was as good as any conversation with a sociopath could be. I guess.

I have a headache that has been here for almost a full 48 hours. And I can't sleep.

Hoping for better days.

Saturday, October 15, 2005
It's been awhile.

This is a photo from Hero's promotion ceremony. He got pinned with his new rank. I had to hide all of the soldier's faces because I did not get permission from anyone to post this photo. After trying (and failing) to resize the photo, it is now too blurry to see anyway...all those circles for nothing.

J is gone. She was 'kicked out'. There was a huge amount of violent behavior going on. She made multiple threats of suicide as well. We kind of did the three strikes your out thing, except it was more like six. She is still in Maryland, waiting on an opening in a sober house.

The big blowout had to do with "spreading J's buisiness". I learned during her stay that if I talk about her behavior to anyone, it is a BAD THING. It left me with really no way to get my feelings out, and no one to go to for advice on how to handle the situation. I couldn't stand it anymore, and called my friend to talk about it. J ended up in the same 'private' space I was, heard my conversation, and flipped out. It ended with some repeated punches in the arm, screaming, and J being locked out. Stuff like that just can't happen in front of my kids.

J is currently in a hotel down the street. We have talked once since this blowout and it was short but sweet. We will remain friends, but she cannot come to stay with us. It just doesn't work.

My therapist and I talked deeply about what my relationship with J represents. After much introspection, I realized that she is the "always" relationship I have never had. I will always be able to go to her when I have a problem, and vice versa. We will always stay friends even if things get way too bad to handle appropriately. I keep this relationship because I never have had a relationship of this sort before. When I pissed my parents off, they kicked me out. When I moved into residentials they only 'cared' about me for a weekend every few months. I didn't see them or talk to them for two whole years (between 15 and 17) and it wasn't my decision. J will never leave me. She will always be the solid relationship that I lacked with my parents. Even if my relationship with J is as unhealthy as the one with my parents is, at least it is predictable.

For J, I think I am the same "always". She came from a very similar situation, but didn't develop the same coping skills. J is just like me only "worse". I suppose she is "worse" because she didn't have the choice to leave the unpredictable relationship with her parents. They both passed before she came that far.

I realized something else that is very important as well. I AM NOT A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. Unfortunately, no matter how much I am willing to give to help J, she has to make the change herself. A big part of that is learning how to take responsibility for your (her) actions. I.E. When J's trash is laying all over my living room floor, insted of saying "Well, the kids make messes all the time", she could have said, "I'm sorry I was being so messy. I will try and change that behavior while residing in your home."

Overall, I feel really disrespected. I gave her a place to stay, free from any rent and or bills. Maybe it wasn't ideal, but it was better than any of the other choices she had at that point.

Onto better things.

My house is almost totally recovered. I spent the last two days cleaning my ass off, and I only have a few more chores to do before we are back to normal. The girls are being as sweet as ever, if not more so. Our credit card debt is officially back down to $0 just in time for Christmas shopping.

I just learned about this cool thing called 'layaway' that I think I'll be trying since we wont be rebuying all our stolen house hold goods this year. I got a great deal on new comforters. They are purple with butterflies on clearance pluse an extra discount....nine bucks a piece. I want to get one for our bed, too....I don't think Hero will mind. It would be a great change from all the black and red that is our bedroom. Of course, I'd have to get new curtains.....

I'm not going to say anything about the Red Sox, but I will leave you all with this last happy bit: They built a new Dunkin Donuts!! It is minutes from our house!!

Friday, October 07, 2005
In which I blame someone besides myself for my failure at blogging.

J has been very time consuming lately. Late nights, suicide threats, and transferring belongings between car and house have taken up a good chunk of my 'free time'. Because of this, I have not had much time to blog. So, blame J.

My house is chaotic, more so than it has ever been. I don't know if J is struggling emotionally about going to another sober house. It seems that would be the likely underlying issue here. She had an interview today at a close by, very strict sober house. A few days before that she had a phone interview with a MA sober house that has a waiting list. It seems as though she will be going somewhere in about a week, which would be the best idea for all of us.

I went to therapy today. The first thing my therapist said....You look exhausted.
That pretty much sums it up. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted.

Tomorrow is a big day for us. Everyone is getting up early (whether they like it or not), helping to make a big breakfast, and then cleaning up after themselves until my house is back to normal condition. J never learned how to clean up her messes, so this lesson is mainly for her. Tomorrow night my neighbors are throwing Hero a promotion party. Rumor is there will be alcohol involved. I am sooooo there. My plan is to send J off to a meeting, followed by several misc. errands. In that time I will be getting drunk enough to barely make it to bed, where I will pass out for at least ten hours. The girls will be asleep with the babysitter until J gets home, at which time the babysitting job will become hers.

J's been here three weeks now. Three weeks. It doesn't seem that long when you type it out, but it feels like an eternity. Let's hope she gets in to a sober house as soon as possible.

Oh, I almost forgot.....

Let's go Red Sox! Here's hoping (and praying, and chanting) for a comeback!

Sunday, October 02, 2005
Who has the wild card???????????

That's who!!

Let's do it again, guys! We know you can!

--A Bostonian/Red Sox fanatic currently living in Maryland