Wednesday, August 10, 2005
This has got to be a joke...

...but for some reason I'm not laughing.

Do you ever feel like you spoke (or typed in this case) too soon? Yeah, that's me. I can't sleep again. It is the second day in a row that this has happened. On the flip side, I haven't been falling asleep during the day. I think I remember why I ran away from head doctors all those years ago.

Okay, so let's talk about my 'diagnosis', and I put it in quotes because it is open ended and not technically official...we're just playing with it. Kerrie doesn't like her clients to 'feed into' a diagnosis, and therefore doesn't give one unless it's blatantly obvious and can be fixed with medication. Like anxiety. Or depression. (Hence the meds for the anxiety)

Anyway, what I 'have' is a very screwed up way of thinking. This is not a disease, or a chemical imbalance, but just a very twisted thought process. I can't name specific names (as I am too embarrassed), but it is also known as post traumatic stress disorder complex. See what happens is you live life for years and years and years with regular PTSD and don't realize that you have it. Over the years you start to think in very 'abnormal' ways. It turns into complex trust issues--as I have written about before--and control issues--which I didn't even realize I had. Also codependancy and love-hate relationships. The fun never stops. There's a lot more to it, but I'm not feeling much like writing a book tonight.

All this information makes it really easy to blame my parents. Which I will do now: Parents, It's all your fault.

So when I say that I'm afraid for my kids to grow up in this world, it's not because the world itself is a bad place, just that I am only thinking about bad things at that point in time. *Granted, the world can be [is] a pretty scary place.

And when I am sad, I am only sad. Happiness never existed. Because I don't remember it. And when I am happy, sadness never existed. Because I don't remember it.

Which brings me to another issue. I don't know my emotions accurately. When I say I am feeling "crazy", I am not feeling "crazy". *Although I am crazy, no doubt about that* That emotion--whatever it is--has a name. I just haven't identified it yet. And when I am feeling "manipulative", it doesn't mean I am being "manipulative", I just heard it so many times as a child that I honestly believe it is an emotion. Also if I say "thinking about what happened gives me chest pains", it is not because I am out of shape and having a heart attack because of my chronic lack of exercise. No. "Chest pains" is apparently hurt and/or sadness. Which ever one comes before you cry.

Yup, so I'm screwed.

One last thing: when I constantly put my commas on the wrong side of the quotation marks, it is because I just think they look better that way. That one has nothing to do with my screwed-up-ed-ness.

Blogger Heidi had this to say:

sorry to hear about the lack of sleep, magnolia! that sucks big time with trying to keep up with the kiddo's and all... and I know in my case, lack of sleep is very bad for my personality. ;) have you tried the sleep meds the doc prescribed you? maybe you should talk to her and see if she thinks it's time to take those now that the narcolepsy has finished running its course...

I totally understood everything you mentioned about confusing your emotions. for the longest time (and still on occasion..) I have sometimes felt pain or sadness or just uneasiness and fed it with food. somehow I managed to connect food (especially comfort foods like the home-cooked meals my grandma used to make) with happiness and security. I am what you call an emotional eater. if I am stressed, hurt, angry, etc. I feel the need to turn to food for comfort. it's always there when I need it. it won't reject or leave me, and it won't judge me or belittle me. sick, I know. but somehow my wires got mixed up and this is how I cope. I always thought it was normal until a few years ago when I realized I had a weight problem and needed to do something about it. since then I have made some realizations about myself, and I am still struggling everyday to evaluate my emotions and form healthy responses to them. never an easy task no matter who you are and how you're wired together. ;)

Wow, didn't expect to share all of that with you in this comment. sorry for the novel. LOL

Also, I know it's probably twisted, but I laughed my butt off while reading this post. your sense of humor is so refreshing! I admire it, and I admire YOU for sharing your life online, including your "diagnosis". (btw, I do the same thing with the commas and periods and quotation marks. LOL)

11:39 AM EDT 

Anonymous Anonymous had this to say:

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Here are some helpful hints for zoloft anxiety …

A simple hot compress applied to the face is very soothing to those throbbing aches and pains of a blocked sinus, while a few drops of eucalyptus oil on a handkerchief can provide welcome relief for similar conditions. While supplements of vitamin C, D and zinc will shorten the lifespan of a common cold, a hot lemon drink is also extremely good. And be sure to cuddle-up in bed when you have a cold, as it will make the body sweat out the germs.

Cool lemon juice and honey are a great soother for a sore throat and gives the body much-needed vitamin C at the same time The juice of one lemon in a glass of water is sufficient. Melt the honey in a little hot water for ease of mixing.

A smear of Vaseline or petroleum jelly will do wonders for those sore lips and nose that often accompany a cold.

A 'streaming cold' where the nose and eyes water profusely, can respond to drinking onion water. Simply dip a slice of onion into a glass of hot water for two seconds, then sip the cooled water throughout the day. Half an onion on the bedside table also alleviates cold symptoms because its odor is inhaled while you sleep.

People prone to catarrh may find that chewing the buds from a pine or larch throughout the day will clear up their condition in just a few days.

Do you suffer from sore eyes? If your eyes are sore from lengthy exposure to the sun, try beating the white of an egg and then spread it over a cloth and bandage the eyes with it. Leave the preparation on overnight. Soft cheese (quark) is also a good remedy for this condition.

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Sleepless? Instead of reaching for sleeping pills, which can quickly become addictive, try this: Drink only caffeine free tea or coffee starting late in the afternoon.. Go to bed earlier rather than later, as being overtired tends to keep people awake. Make sure the bedroom is dark and quiet. Use only pure wool or cotton sheets and blankets. Polyester materials can cause sweat and make you thirsty (if your child constantly asks for water throughout the night, this could be the reason).

And don't watch those scary movies just before retiring! If you still can't sleep, make a tea of lemongrass or drink a nightcap of herbal tea containing chamomile. It's easy to grow lemongrass in your garden or start a flower pot on the balcony for ease of picking. Simply steep a handful in boiling water for five minutes. Honey may be added for a sweetener.

Of course there will be times when you do need modern drugs, so if these simple remedies don't have the required affect, be sure to see a health care professional.

zoloft anxiety

10:49 PM EDT 

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