Saturday, August 27, 2005
A break from packing

I'll get back to packing in a minute, I swear. Now, I have to write this down because I just can't stop laughing about it.

Now, I know infidelity is not something to take lightly. It hurts, it ruins relationships, and it sucks to have to go through. I've never had to deal with it personally, and hopefully never will. At this point I'm learning how not to deal with it from others.

Characters: He and She(neighbors), Magnolia (me)
Setting: Out front Magnolia and She engaged in conversation

Act 1: She describing her phone call with His girlfriend last night, He walks up and all goes silent.

He: What are you doing
She: Talking, get away from me
He: When are you planning on cooking dinner
She: Soon, should I make extra for your girlfriend or is it just going to be us tonight?

Act 2: She is text messaging 'fuck you' to the girlfriend signed with his name. A few minutes pass.

He: Did you just text (girlfriend's name)?
She: No
He: You're a liar
She: I didn't
He: She just forwarded to me, I saw it!
She: I thought you said you stopped talking to her

Act 3: He thinks we can't hear him on the phone with girlfriend yet he is well within earshot. He asks girlfriend if the ticket is for Monday or Tuesday.

She: I'm not going on vacation, I changed my mind.
He: I thought you said you were leaving Monday
She: Yeah, but you said your girlfriend wasn't coming so there's no need for me to go anymore
He: Well, if you don't leave Monday, you're going to have to find somewhere else to sleep
She: Why do I have to leave if girlfriend's not coming?
He: Girlfriend's not coming, I just need some time to think
She: We just heard you asking if her flight is coming Monday or Tuesday, don't lie! Didn't we Magnolia?
Magnolia: (nods head in agreement)
He: Ummm...Uhhh....You better leave Monday! (walks up stairs)

Final Act: He is now drunk and came back down to annoy both Magnolia and She. She gets on phone and we can hear the 'service disconnected' message but He is too drunk to notice.

He: Who are you talking to?
She: None of your god damn business
He: Oh, you want to play like that? (picks up phone, dials)
He: Hey baby, how you doing?
She: What? (grabs phone) Hello? Oh my fucking god (storms away)

The End

Okay, the final act wasn't quite as funny as it was disturbing.

I'd like to think that if Hero ever cheated I could deal with it as long as he was honest (as soon as it happened), had some kind of explanation, and truly felt bad about it. Obviously none of those things apply with my neighbor's situation. She is thinking about leaving, as I'm sure most women would've done a long time ago if they were her.

Friday, August 26, 2005
Getting ready to go

I'm leaving on Sunday night, and I have not even begun to pack. That in itself should tell me something. I usually do everything way ahead of time. I usually would've only had to make the lunches for the kids at this point.

My biggest fear is a confrontation with brother. He is staying at my grandma's, where I will be most of Monday. That means when I visit, there is a chance of him coming in. Lets hope that does not happen, because he is unpredictable.

I got to see the psychiatrist again. She thinks I need to up my dose of meds, but is not ready to do it yet because of my freakish side effects. Increasing the dose means doubling it, and that is the highest dose perscribed. If that doesn't work it will mean new meds. It bothers me a little bit because I can see that this is working. Emotionally I feel the same but my reactions to things have gotten extremely better. Hero noticed it first and then I started to as well. Considering my reactions are what I am most concerned about, I will try to convince her to leave it as is. For a while anyway.

Sky has got to be the cutest kid ever. She wants to have a sleep-over and go to school and take care of the babies (dolls, that is). She's so social. I can't even believe that she is my child sometimes. All the neighborhood kids come over and play in the front yard, and the age difference between them doesn't seem to matter. Well, there is one eight year old who likes to hang with the grown-ups, and she's probably picked up on way too much grown-up talk because of it.

I'm having a hard time giving Sky her own space to grow and learn. Moon is such a demanding child that I am afraid Sky is not getting all that she needs. I have all the right materials to teach her with, but when it comes time to teach Moon has to be held or start ripping books up or coloring on the walls. I would also like to focus on helping Moon get her colors down because she hasn't mastered it yet. This is probably what's left over from the 'terrible twos' that I thought ended.

Anyway, tommorrow and Sunday are sure to be filled with packing and cleaning. This may be the last post until I get back (Thursday). Have a good weekend.

Thursday, August 25, 2005
Judge not, lest ye be judged

At therapy (where I learn all my life lessons), I was told going to MA would be setting myself up for failure. One night I decided I was going up, for no apparent reason. Subconsciously, though, I had decided to change the world. Hence, the big break down.

And then I learned my therapist was psychic.

My brother, who has been in and out of jail since the tender age of 17, (and years in DYS before that), got in a fist fight with Hero's mom (who's dating my dad). The parental units and my brother live in the same duplex, but not the same side. From what I have put together from a combination of four sources, my brother knocked on dad's door when dad was at work, H's mom opened the door, and brother tried to rape her. Somehow, she got away and brother went back to his side.

Later, dad came home from work, H's mom told him what happened, they grabbed a horseshoe (?), and knocked on brother's door. Brother opened, and as dad was swinging, brother knocked him onto the ground, slapped him around, then proceeded to throw H's mom against the house as hard as he could.

The police were called, no charges were pressed, parents refused to issue statements. The next day (today), parents went to court, issued statements about the attack (minus the attempted rape), and four charges are now being pressed against brother.

I can see two sides. First, brother has been charged with attempted rape in the past. He barely got off the charges, and only because the witness/victim changed her story, and then didn't show for court.

Next, H's mom is a compulsive liar, bipolar, very controlling, and has told dad in the past that she hates his kids (me and brother) and wants us 'gone'.

Also, dad is just fucking crazy.

So what happened REALLY, I will never know. I am going to completely leave it up to the judge and the jury to decide. I'm not even going to take a stab at it because in my opinion, they should all be locked up for a very long time, family or not.

My dearest grandma (who shouldn't be put through all this shit, poor woman), called me to talk about what was going on. We had a long conversation during which she revealed that dad was excited because "after putting brother away again, daughter (me) will want to be friends with us (dad and H's mom)."

Fucking sick. He is so disgusting. And everyone wonders why I'm so fucked up. I can't believe that in the midst of all that happened/may have happened he would say something like that. It's like he doesn't even care. My whole life he pitted me and my brother against each other to get what he wanted. No wonder my brother and I can't be in the same room for more than an hour at a time. No wonder we are always convinced the other is 'working for dad'.

I wish the police would drug test them all and find out what was really going on. I swear, I get high just driving past that house. Not that drug testing would solve all these problems, just so everyone knows that none of them can be trusted.

So, I still want to go. In fact, I think I am going to go. I wonder if my therapist is right. Probably.

Monday, August 22, 2005
Picturensdser 239

Therapy today was interesting, to say the least.

Kerrie really knows how to push my buttons. I guess in a way that's a good thing. I cried, which I don't do that often. I 'disassociate' well. That also can be a good thing for tonight when I go over it in my head and want to jump off a bridge. And for that reason alone, I took a sleeping pill.

I think I'm really sensitive to foreign substances in my body. I took the pill about twenty minutes ago, and now I am feeling my asthma kick in and I'm making a lot of typing errors (due to slow response). I am not yet tired, but let's hope this works anyway.

J got into her program, and she likes it so far. They are letting her use her car and her cell phone, and that is all this girl really needs to be happy.

Okay, I'm off to search for some good new music and then into bed where I will hopefully fall asleep right away.

Sunday, August 21, 2005
It's not that I don't have any ideas...

I don't even blog enough to have a blog. It's not that I don't have any ideas, it's because I have trouble putting my thoughts into an orderly and neat fashion.

I'm thinking about taking a trip up to MA. I have my many lists made of things that need to be done before, a very detailed budget for the ride up, lists of what each person will need, etc. Hero would not be coming, as too much paperwork is required to go more than 250 miles, and it is just not worth it for two or three days. A car inspection? We've only had this car since April, and already it's been inspected four times.

I think these meds are working. I don't notice it too much myself, but Hero says I'm a lot slower to react to things. For instance, I called a woman that I was freecycling my camera to, and didn't feel anxious about it until AFTER I got off the phone. I also had no problem telling my neighbor to fuck off when he was trying to make Moon tantrum. I usually just make an excuse to get out of there. That might be because he does it so much I finally exploded, but let us give the meds the credit. I felt so good after. Anyone that teases a child for fun deserves a big fuck you anyway.

My bff J is going for an interview at a sober house tomorrow. She just found out Friday. When they called her they wouldn't answer any of her questions, and just told her to bring two trash bags full of clothes. J is trying to get rid of all her furniture, and pack the rest of her belongings in her car (which she doesn't know if she can bring there or not). I really hope she gets accepted, because if not, she will be screwed.

That's all the gossip around here for now.

Thursday, August 18, 2005
Breastfeeding from the other side.

The Big P finally showed up, so that brought a big sigh of relief. I'm sure I've mentioned before that I hate going to the doctor's and will avoid doing so at all costs.

I had an interesting conversation about breastfeeding the other day. It is one of my favorite subjects to talk about (besides politics, which I am not so open-minded about). Preggo neighbor #2 was talking about how she wanted to breastfeed this baby (her other two were both formula-fed). She was wondering how long I had to stay home for so I could do it.


I didn't really know what she was talking about, so I asked her to explain further. My good neighbor (Lisa), joined in, and I ended up being in the middle of a big Breastfeeding-in-public-is-disgusting lecture.

Wow. Hold on. Isn't is usually the formula moms who get shit about formula being 'horrible'? Didn't I actually write a post about this before? Didn't I adamantly stick up for every formula mom I have ever known, and end up using formula myself once I realized I was never going to pump more than two ounces?

Breastfeeding in public is disgusting? Wow. I hope we all stay right where we are, and that nobody deploys anywhere when we decide to have another kid. I'll be whipping them out and disgusting the masses every three hours. And I'll dress in Christmas lights and stand in my window if I need to, just to make my point. (Which is this by the way:)

Breastfeeding is not disgusting. It is not rude to do in public. It is not something to be ashamed of. It is not weird to have a baby attached to your nipple. It is natural and convenient. Most importantly: IT IS FOOD. This is what babies were created to eat (drink). Breasts, believe it or not, were not given to us simply for men to be intrigued by. And when a baby needs to eat, it needs to eat. That goes for whether you are in public or private.

I could go on and justify why breastfeeding moms should not have to pump and bring bottles around, but I do not have the time or energy. I have a lot to do. It just was so weird for me to be on the 'Other Side' of the debate for once. It makes me crazy that women can't encourage each other to do what's good for THEM, without anybody having to be better or worse because of it.

Yay to moms who breastfeed! Yay to moms who bottle-feed! Yay to all moms, no matter what they do! *Minus abuse and neglect*

Sunday, August 14, 2005
Just kidding.

I posted yesterday while I had a little freak out, and deleted it immediately when I calmed down. I realized I was being irrational, so forgive me if it was seen by anyone.

Is there a reason besides excitement for preggo neighbor #1 to be trying on maternity clothes at eight weeks? I mean how many safety pins is she going to put on those things before she realizes there is no belly to hold them up yet? It just looks tacky.

Speaking of being pregnant, I am not. (confirmed by three pregnancy tests on three different days) Yet my monthly thing is very ellusive this month. Maybe it's the meds? It looks like a doctors visit is in the mix.

Anyone want to guess the kid per adult ratio it takes to have one house torn apart in less than three minutes? 3:1. That's right, six kids under four can do it in THREE MINUTES with the supervision of two adults.

We added some new pets to the already overfilled household. These are possibly temporary. We now have seven toads. They live on the table outside my front door. We've been feeding them worms and ants for the last week, and they have almost doubled in size. The girls love them. LOVE THEM. They even try to catch bugs so they can feed them.

I've been getting sick every day for four days. It happens exactly three minutes after we put the girls to bed. (Hence the three pee-sticks taken) I don't think this is the meds, as it is so recent. Yuck.

My life is boring, but mostly I am content.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005
This has got to be a joke...

...but for some reason I'm not laughing.

Do you ever feel like you spoke (or typed in this case) too soon? Yeah, that's me. I can't sleep again. It is the second day in a row that this has happened. On the flip side, I haven't been falling asleep during the day. I think I remember why I ran away from head doctors all those years ago.

Okay, so let's talk about my 'diagnosis', and I put it in quotes because it is open ended and not technically official...we're just playing with it. Kerrie doesn't like her clients to 'feed into' a diagnosis, and therefore doesn't give one unless it's blatantly obvious and can be fixed with medication. Like anxiety. Or depression. (Hence the meds for the anxiety)

Anyway, what I 'have' is a very screwed up way of thinking. This is not a disease, or a chemical imbalance, but just a very twisted thought process. I can't name specific names (as I am too embarrassed), but it is also known as post traumatic stress disorder complex. See what happens is you live life for years and years and years with regular PTSD and don't realize that you have it. Over the years you start to think in very 'abnormal' ways. It turns into complex trust issues--as I have written about before--and control issues--which I didn't even realize I had. Also codependancy and love-hate relationships. The fun never stops. There's a lot more to it, but I'm not feeling much like writing a book tonight.

All this information makes it really easy to blame my parents. Which I will do now: Parents, It's all your fault.

So when I say that I'm afraid for my kids to grow up in this world, it's not because the world itself is a bad place, just that I am only thinking about bad things at that point in time. *Granted, the world can be [is] a pretty scary place.

And when I am sad, I am only sad. Happiness never existed. Because I don't remember it. And when I am happy, sadness never existed. Because I don't remember it.

Which brings me to another issue. I don't know my emotions accurately. When I say I am feeling "crazy", I am not feeling "crazy". *Although I am crazy, no doubt about that* That emotion--whatever it is--has a name. I just haven't identified it yet. And when I am feeling "manipulative", it doesn't mean I am being "manipulative", I just heard it so many times as a child that I honestly believe it is an emotion. Also if I say "thinking about what happened gives me chest pains", it is not because I am out of shape and having a heart attack because of my chronic lack of exercise. No. "Chest pains" is apparently hurt and/or sadness. Which ever one comes before you cry.

Yup, so I'm screwed.

One last thing: when I constantly put my commas on the wrong side of the quotation marks, it is because I just think they look better that way. That one has nothing to do with my screwed-up-ed-ness.

Saturday, August 06, 2005
Maybe I have narcolepsy *(It's been over a week now)*

"Gee, that almost sounds like narcolepsy" Kerrie informed me six days later at my next therapy session.

Yeah, maybe....or maybe it's this freakin medication.

In all honesty, my spells of falling asleep have been few and far between since a week ago. The psychiatrist said this is 'on the extreme side of normal'...whatever the hell that means. On the definate upside, I've only had one night where I couldn't fall asleep until morning hours, and that was last night.

In other wonderful news, Sky is getting so good at this letter thing. She's starting to add more and more words to the "A starts with....." list. (Not just 'A', all the letters) The cool part is that she's figuring this out all by herself. For instance, I taught her that A is for apple, but A is for airplane she came up with on her own. We're making posters of each letter and gluing pictures of corresponding objects on them.

This weekend I was passed on tons of clothes through Freecycle. How much do I love free clothes? This was literally a trash bag full of clothes for in my girls sizes. Among the clothes were new shoes, and a couple of new shirts, and all the other stuff was in real good condition.

More boring crap that is my life:

We are all of a sudden expecting TWO NEW BABIES in this building! I love babies. Luckily none of them will be born to me so I will be able to do that infamous handing back of the screaming infant.

Don't you love when women who are expecting do that whole "My kid will never _____." I am going to love seeing how much one of these couples goes back on the ever growing list. At this point play in the dirt and have a runny nose are included on the list, but that's another entry in itself.

Well, that's all for today.