Saturday, July 30, 2005
So tired

So the head doctor put me on medication to help with my anxiety. She also put me on meds for sleep that I can take as needed for the insomnia that's been kicking my ass for years. As she warned me about the very few side effects, she mentioned 'tired or fatigued' with the anxiety meds. I figured tired meant I'd be unmotivated and sleepy.

I took my anxiety meds the first night, and got a really bad stomach cramps, kind of like on Thanksgiving or any other time you stuff yourself and feel like you're going to puke. I went to bed early, due to anxiety meds (READ: didn't take sleeping pills).

The next morning, I got up and felt like shit. I was soooo tired, I felt like I hadn't slept at all. This was after my first eight hour night in a long time.

After about an hour, I was feeling REALLY tired, so I put a pot of coffee on and put in a movie in for the girls. I woke up about forty-five minutes later in front of the DVD player. I FELL ASLEEP immediately after putting the DVD in, without even returning to the couch. Literally right there on the floor, sitting up.

I then took the girls outside so I could run around and work up some energy to keep me awake. And we played for about an hour. We went back inside to try again to relax because I was still so tired. Started the movie. Made a cup of coffee (I had forgotten to drink the coffee before, because I was asleep). Sat down on couch. Fell asleep with cup of coffee IN HAND. Woke up ten minutes later. Put coffee down. Fell back asleep for half an hour.

At this point I was very upset. I called my husband at work and told him what was happening. He said to hang in for another half an hour, and he'd be home for lunch. I did, and I was awake.

When Hero got home, I lit a cigarette and started bitching about what I was going to do, blah blah blah. Fell asleep this time with CIGARETTE IN HAND. Luckily Hero was right there (and I didn't smoke for the rest of the day, don't worry)

When he went back to work, I hung out with my neighbor and told her what was going on. The rest of the day went by without incident. I fell asleep immediately after dinner that night (so six-ish), and woke up at eight, put my girls to bed at eight-thirty and tried to go to sleep. And I couldn't. Until three. And I didn't want to take the sleeping pill because I was afraid of what the two pills would do to me when put together.

Today went much better with only a few sleeping on the job incidents, but Hero was home today so it wasn't a big deal. I've learned to stand up while smoking because I haven't yet fell asleep standing. This sleepiness is supposedly only supposed to last the first two weeks, getting a little better each day. I am so freakin out of it I don't know if this all makes sense, but I can't read it again to check because I might fall asleep.

Friday, July 22, 2005
Dude's got the right idea

Okay, as I've mentioned before, I'm working through a book my neighbor lent me called The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns, M.D. I've been reading it rather slowly to make sure I get all that I can out of it.... reading and re-reading before I move on to the next part, ya know?

Anyway, I got to chapter five titled How to Change the Way You Feel: The Four Steps to Happiness. It is all about making a daily mood log to record your feelings and automatic thoughts and then relating the distortions that go along with each of those thoughts. Now I'm not saying this is the end all guide to forever happiness, but DAMN. It really puts things into perspective. There's even a troubleshooting guide if you get stuck. I'm impressed. I mean, I'm not cured or anything...but I'm sure all that takes time.

Tonight we move on to Chaper Six.

So it's official, Sky is way smarter than I give her credit for. I have been keeping at the alphabet thing. She now knows, by sight, all the letters through O, and can name by memory one word to go with each. I know it's all just memory and not really understanding at this point, but I still am impressed. Just today I was chatting outside with Lisa, and excused myself to change Moon. She offered to keep Sky while I was gone. When I came back, there Sky was naming off letters from Lisa's shirt.

"A is for apple! M is for Mommy! E is for everybody! I is for ice cream! C is for (real name)! A is for apple!" (America minus the R)

The thing that gets me the most is how excited she is about it. She is so proud of herself! And she should be. Moon has only picked up one letter (G) along the way, but she is only two and a half and has plenty of time to go.

What I'm really wondering is why I didn't start any of this with them sooner.

Monday, July 18, 2005
Dreading this week

When Sunday night rolls around, I usually finish the housework that needs to be done and then relax and play on the computer. Today...not so much. I am dreading this week, and I really don't know why.

I have a fish problem. I have way too many. I am trying to come up with a solution to that problem without having to flush some. It all started with six fish.... Oh, and six more that my neighbors gave us. So that makes twelve. Now we have over a hundred fish in four tanks, and I'm not loving it. I was so against letting momma fish eat her babies, and now I wonder what I was thinking saving ALL OF THEM.

I have a baby clothes problem. I can't just get rid of anything. If it is not completely stained or ripped, I can't throw it away or give it away. I want more children, so I use this as an excuse. I have bags and bags full of clothes that do not fit my kids. It's strange that I dress myself so scrubby and my kids have thousands of dollars (including all the hand-me-downs, that is) worth of really nice clothes just sitting around. If I could only fit into a 2t.

I have a "then we won't have to buy any next week" problem. Right now, below my bathroom sink there are twelve (12) bottles of shampoo and twelve (12) bottles of conditioner. There are economy sized bags full of bags of rolls of paper towels and tp in my laundry room. We have enough febreze to last well over a year. I think I am saving money this way, but seriously...enough is enough.

Worst of all, I have a sleep problem. I need some. I got a full eight hours of sleep last night. Apparently that is too much, because I am so awake I have to remind myself to blink. Ofcourse tomorrow (later today) when the girls wake up I will feel like shit due to lack of said sleep.

At least all the housework will be finished.

Sunday, July 17, 2005
So after the social worker made me agree to take parenting classes......

Picturensdser 229
Originally uploaded by dmagnoliad.

*I learned that if your child is not dressed with a coat to go along with those winter boots, you are in fact neglectful. ;) Also, if you admit to locking your child in closets the social worker will simply laugh and think you are joking.*

Okay, so I'm new at this picture thing. I don't know how to post more than one picture on one post either. So more next time. This picture is of the first gladiolus to bloom. This year was the first time I planted these flowers, so I didn't have high hopes. I am quite astonished at the color (which isn't reflected very well in the picture). There is also a nice bluish (sp?) one that will be almost ready to pick soon.

I got through Hero being on duty (the 24 hour shift) Wednesday and Friday, so that was good. The girls were unusually well behaved. No therapy this past week, as I procrastinated making an appointment until Kerrie was booked.

In exciting news, Sky finally recognizes the first two letters of her name (she has a nine-letter name), and although she can't write it, trace it, or even connect it in dots...I do believe this is a start. We have this big alphabet foam puzzly-ruggy-thing in her room, and if you say "jump on (real name)", she will jump on the first letter of her name. And A too. YAY!

*I don't really lock my kids in closets*

Monday, July 11, 2005

Should Sky (3 1/2) know how to count on her fingers? I see every other kid hold up her fingers when I ask how old they are. Sky can only hold up 1, 4, or 5. None at the right time, either. Her fine motor skills seem to be fine besides that when I put up my fingers and say "Show me two", four go up. It's like she can't put up just two or three fingers. Like all or nothing. I mean, it hasn't caused problems....I was just wondering.

Also, is there some magic age somewhere around two and a half that kids start listening better? It happened with Sky around then, and now Moon rarely puts up a fight about anything anymore. She has her "If you don't stop _____, you're going into timeout." After that, she stops, or goes in time out... with NO fight. It's new, and I like it. She still won't consistently make her bed or clean her room, but I never really pushed the issue (although Sky does these things everyday).

And, when is it okay to let a child brush their teeth unassisted? Sky is doing a fairly good job on her own, but I like to go over it just in case. These areas of passing responsibility on are new to me, but very much welcomed. I just want to make sure her teeth aren't going to rot out if I don't go over it myself.

Lastly, do you think anyone is going to call social services if my child is in winter boots in eighty-seven degree weather? It wasn't my choice, she insisted. Also, I try to encourage creativity, uniqueness, and independence. Well, really I told them to put their shoes on and didn't notice the boots until I had to either leave that second or be late, but whatever.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Sick days

I've been sick for about a week now. I am finally starting to recover enough to blog.... or that's my excuse anyway.

We had a little situation across the street on the fourth. Dad spanked child, neighbors called police, vicious tales were told that deflected from the actual problem.

The problem, in my opinion, was that Dad was very, very angry. I did not talk to the police when they arrived, as I feel it is up to the parents to raise their children as they see fit-- minus abuse. In my opinion spanking and abuse are two different things (for the most part). I chose not to use spanking as the means of discipline in my home, but I don't think my way is the only way, either. I could go on, but let's end it by saying that I don't feel spanking should hurt or be done out of anger. My opinion.

Anyway, I spent the rest of the fourth infecting my neighbors with whatever sickness I had. Isn't it funny that Hero only had it two days, both the girls for three, and I for a week. I was the only one to get a fever, too. Lucky me. We barbecued anyway and the girls played with my neighbor's nephews. All the kids got those poppers (you throw them and they pop.), and they had a blast.

I had a bad therapy day, and then a good one. I'm learning how mantras can help me overcome some of my negative thought processes. We'll see how that goes.

Hope everyone had a good week!

Saturday, July 02, 2005
Friends or housemates?

I am having a problem figuring out my boundaries with my neighbors. Sally specifically. A week ago, we had some drinks and started talking. Hours passed and the group of eight slowly reduced to two-- Sally and I. We talked all night. We laughed, we cried, we bonded. We didn't end up seeing our beds until daylight. I loved it.

Sally says that I know her better than anyone else. She tells me things that she doesn't even tell her husband. Although I don't think it's a great idea for her to keep things from her husband, I can understand why she is doing it, and I don't judge her for it.

Ever since last weekend, Sally has been asking very serious, difficult to answer questions. I am not sure if I should be answering them as a friend or a 'friendly neighbor'. Kind of like the 'do I look fat?' question (except a lot more serious). Either I could answer honestly and risk causing some damage or I could lie and make her feel better but never really resolve anything. When I ask her if she wants me to be completely honest, she says she does. Why ask a question if you don't want an answer, right? On the other hand, sometimes I don't have all the answers. My opinion isn't always right. I am not a therapist. I feel bad having to tell her something that I know hurts her, yet she needs/wants to hear.

I hope Sally gets through all of her anger and hurt without taking to much damage along the way. She deserves to finally be happy. I hope I am not the one causing the damage, as well.