Thursday, June 30, 2005
I could go on about myself forever

Thank you Heidi! I like this one a lot.

A Lifetime...

10 years ago: I left my dad and stepmom's house to travel through the "system". I had my first experience with illegal substances. I was unhappy. I was still in school. I had a boyfriend with pink hair who used to sneak me in his window at night when I had nowhere to go. He listened to awful music! Insane Clown Posse anyone? I started smoking cigarettes because it was 'cool'. My best friend (at the time) Nikki and I used to camp on a tiny little island in the middle of a pond when it was warm out.

5 years ago: I was engaged! Not to the boy with the pink hair, either. I was living in sin with my (now) husband. We had been together for about a year. I worked as an assistant manager at a video store, and drove an '88 Toyota Tercel. It was a peice of work. I got my GED this year in August. I was starting to let my family back into my life little by little (way before it blew up in my face). J, my best friend, was doing so well back then!

1 year ago: My girls were 2 - 1/2, and 1 - 1/2. I was in Italy with Hero, after missing him since February. Hero found out he has tuberculosis this month. It was sooo hot there, and we used to catch the little lizards to amuse the girls. We spent way too much time in the pool. Moon's eczema was getting really bad, and she spent a lot of the time with a skin infection. We were starting the paperwork for Hero's compassionate reassignment, so it would be in by the time we left in July. I got to see some of the beautiful parts of Italy (Venice (which in Italy is Venezia), the mountains in Aviano, the many farms and churches in Vicenza, and a huge street fair in Morolla.) We lived in Villagio (post housing), and the post was called Caserma Ederle (which was in Vicenza). We went to the gelatteria (sp?) for ice cream. Also a month ago, I went on my first plane trip, which was an experience. Eight hours with two toddlers and jet lag. Fun, fun, fun! Oh, I also learned to weld in May of this year.

Yesterday: I talked J through a mini-meltdown on the phone. I spent most of the day with my new friends, both wives of Hero's work friends. The girls made friends with the other kids, and all went well. I intoduced someone to "cold coffee" which is like iced coffee minus the ice and made at home. I talked to my neighbors and we planned a cookout for Sunday. I colord with the kids, laughed, played, cleaned up, read books, and slept fairly well. It was hot all day and stormed all night.

Tomorrow: The last day before the weekend! Hero has a four day. I will make a shopping list, try to manipulate (in the best possible sense of the word) my neighbors to play with me and the girls outside all day, probably set up the little pool, and clean. I will go to therapy at four. I will talk to J because I miss her a ton!

5 snacks I enjoy: Coffee, jalepenos (the pickled kind, not the burn your insides kind), sweet peppers, Dora fruit-snacks, beer.

5 songs I know all the words to: "You're so last summer" by Taking Back Sunday, "Catalyst" by New Found Glory, "Silver and Cold" by AFI, "Built to Last" by Grateful Dead, "Shimmer" by Fuel (just the first ones that popped into my head)

5 things I would do with $100,000,000: adopt a child, buy a house (and rent it out if Hero decides to stay in the army), pay off the car we own and the car we would purchase, help a select few people in need, save for later.

5 locations I'd like to run away to: Boston, Cape Cod, Rhode Island, London, Barbados.

5 bad habits I have: Smoking, gossiping, being stubborn, asking questions that I know will start heated debates, and chosing the oppisite side as the person I asked...just for kicks, dressing like I live on the street.

5 things I like doing: Playing with the girls, Gossiping, learning, engaging in heated debates, analyzing someone before I talk to them (I like to call it "Guess what's in my head").

5 things I would never wear: Anything that costs more than my monthly beer allowance, anything fur (not because of the animals, because it looks yuck), anything uncomfortable, anything that I have to dry clean, maternity clothes (unless I was pregnant, in which case I would.)

5 T.V. shows I like: House, the OC, Monster Garage, CSI (any), Forensic Files

5 movies I like: Magnolia, Dark City, Clockwork Orange, The life of David Gale, Flatliners.

5 famous people I'd like to meet: Jesse James, all the guys from Something Corporate, Ozzy Osborne.

5 biggest joys at the moment: Getting to therapy finally, watching my girls grow, finally getting a feeling of "community" within the army chaos, long nights with new friends, countless hours of sunshine and smiles.

5 favorite toys: digital camera, my collection of store charge cards, coffeemaker, vacuum, washer & dryer. I am so lame.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

At least my blog won't sit for a whole week again....

A) Total number of books I've owned: Hundreds.

B) The last book I bought: "How to raise a Child With a High EQ" by Lawrence E. Shapiro, Ph.D.

C) The last book I read: "Nurturing Good Children Now" by Dr. Ron Taffel

D) 5 books that mean a lot to me:
1. "Dancing on the Edge" by Han Nolan. It kept me going in those hectic teenage years.
2. "The Christian Life Bible". It's a bible with lines to explain who wrote what when, and the story to go with it.
3. "Children's Bible Stories". What a fun way to learn about the Bible. When I first found God (or He found me), I started here. It's just as fun going through it again with my kids.
4. "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David D. Burns, MD. This was handed down to me recently and is very enlightining.
5. Hmm... I don't remember the name of this book. It was like a male version of "Go ask Alice". I passed it on to someone who needed it (J), so I can't go look.... It was very good, though.

E) Tag 5 people and have them fill this out on their blog: Going to skip this part.

Thursday, June 23, 2005
Introducing Kerrie

Kerrie is my new therapist. She's very, very nice. We talked a little bit about how crazy I am and it was okay. We talked a little about my past and that too was okay. We talked about my trust issues, my previous counseling, and my comfort levels with talking about 'stuff'. All in all it was okay.

Kerrie says she doesn't want to rush to diagnose me (yay!), and that she wants to take her time and make sure she gets the right one. I am not on any meds at this time, but over the next month we are going to work on determining if I need something for my anxiety. Any meds I agree to take will be completely on me--I can stop if I think they aren't working, and no blood level meds will be recommended. I think I found a good thing.

Kerrie also says she thinks I stopped growing emotionally at a very young age. I am like a two year old. Part of me was offended, as my kids are probably emotionally older than me, but the other part was impressed. Besides the tantrum throwing when I don't get what I want, I am a two year old. I get angry when I should be sad, overstimulated when I should be happy, and I think people can't feel how I feel unless I make them. Make any sense?

I told Kerrie that I like to run away from therapy, and she was okay with that. I also told her I may not feel the same way about her as I did today, because I am easily hurt and the hurt turns into fear and the fear turns into distrust. She was okay with that too. She said she's not going anywhere, and as long as I come back, she'll be there. I know she means as long as I pay her, but same difference, right?

I hope I follow through this time.

Sunday, June 19, 2005
Happy Father's Day

Dear Hero (the best daddy in the world):

Thank you for letting me sleep late on Saturdays so you can watch cartoons. I love the way you paint the girls' nails and act like you love doing "girly things", even though I know you'd prefer watching wrestling. Thank you for loving them as much as I do, I didn't think it was possible.

Thank you for teaching us that we should celebrate our differences. I'll never figure out exactly how we make parenting work with our strong opinions, but I'm glad it works the way it does. Thank you for learning how to ground me when I try to assure you that I am always right. Thank you for recognizing when I am right, and offering prompt and proper apologies.

Thank you for so many days filled with laughter which I will always remember. Thank you for so many nights filled with the kind of love that only you and I can share. Thank you for helping to make my life what it is.

I love you!

Wednesday, June 15, 2005
For my mental health

After much convincing and six years, I've finally decided to go back to a head doctor.

It's a whole long story that I can't even begin to tell. To sum it up, I was diagnosed with several different disorders, given way more medication than anyone should ever have to take. Not one diagnosis stuck for more than a few months, so everyone concerned was confused. No medication helped, except to self medicate.

I never really wanted to talk about any of this on here, and I hope no one minds.

Six years ago, I was sick of the meds, sick of being diagnosed, and sick of being sick. I never went to see anyone since. I thought if I was able to control (most of) my 'behaviors', I didn't need any more help. Fortunately, I was able to control most of my behaviors. Unfortunately, I was not able to control my feelings, which swing from happy to sad to angry within hours.

In the last few weeks, I have been trying to figure out what my problem is. I finally grew some balls ('scuse the mouth), and looked up all the different things I had previously been diagnosed with. Out of all six, one fits. The one that fits sucks the most. Figures.

Now that I am finally being honest to myself, I decided to make an appointment with a therapist. Hopefully with my new found ambition and the therapist's skills we can get this head of mine fixed.

Monday, June 13, 2005
Typical weekend

These weekends seem to be forming some kind of a trend. Saturdays seem to be about being out and about, followed by nights of drinking and gameplaying--which turn into early morning retirements. Sundays seem to go to cook-outs, much recovery, and awkward silences. Seems like a pattern. Luckily, I just watch--I don't do much drinking, and haven't been drunk in about a year.

I'm having a difficult time emotionally lately. I really would like to get some Christian counseling, but I don't really have the time or ambition. I keep thinking about a lot of yucky stuff. I'm not questioning God, as I know his plan is much greater than me. On the other hand, I sure would love to know how some of these experiences play into the Big-Picture.

More than anything, I'm having a hard time accepting that I'm Good Enough. I'm not the greatest wife, mother, cook, maid, etc. I am Good Enough. I know it, I just can't bring myself to accept it right now.

Hero is not doing well with his dieting, although he is doing a heck of a lot more PT. I'm hoping they will at least balance each other out.

Sky and Moon are being typical two and three year olds. Moon finally got in the pool and stayed in for more than fifteen seconds. She still won't go near the sprinkler. Sky loves all things wet, and all things muddy and grass covered even more. She loves to spray me with the hose when I'm not looking also. Try not laughing while your three year old hoses you down. Now try not laughing while your three year old hoses your neighbor down unexpectedly. While both are funny, one is obviously funnier than the other. And not getting wet again is an added bonus.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

It is officially eighty-six degrees. It is 10:30 pm. Things like this just aren't supposed to happen.

It has been awful for four days now, with a breif thunderstorm intermission while everyone slept. It is so humid you can feel the air. Gross. I probably shouldn't complain because we have central air, but that's just my bitch of the day.

In other news, we have a new neighbor upstairs. His family will be joining him tomorrow. He came from Germany and has a son and a daughter close in age with our kids. He also is working with Hero, which is great, although he is planning on getting transferred to the training site ASAP.

Tomorrow there will be a training going on, and I can't give details (think o*p*#s^e!c)---->(so it can't be found on google and blow up my spot). Honestly, I'm not even supposed to know the details, but we have good neighbors. It's going to be pretty high intensity, to say the least, and no one will be able to come or go (so no Dunkin Donuts). I'm excited to see how everyone does.

Did everyone hear about Andrew McMahon? (the lead singer/pianoman of Something Corporate). Click here if you haven't. Full recovery sounds good to me, lets send some happy thoughts and prayers. I love Something Corporate. They're so much more than the talent free pop of today.

Hope everyone's week has been going well.

Monday, June 06, 2005
Shut up already.

Although I do love all my neighbors (minus the new ones that I haven't met), I need somewhere to vent my frustrations. That place will be here. And so, I present:

Things that have been said in the past week.

-- So you're not Catholic? I doubt you're even from Boston.

-- SomeTHIN different? Not to be confused with someTHING different.

-- You're not a billboard you know (in response to my new tattoo)

-- Look at her, she's freezing (it was 86 degrees today, and my daughter was in a bathing suit)

-- You must get annoyed with all the advice you get from people who have no clue about being parents. (thirty seconds passes) Don't you think popsicles have too much sugar for kids? Why don't you try making healthy ones? Like from fruit juice? (they were Welch's popsicles people! You know, the fruit juice ones?)

-- (This one was actually said to J about a week ago) You can sleep with my husband. I don't mind.

-- I don't think you should do anything addictive in front of young children, even if they're not your own children (with a beer in one hand)

I Hope there aren't many more coming this week. I'm biting my tongue as it is.

Thursday, June 02, 2005
I'm getting pretty bad at this blog thing.

I'm getting fourteen unique visitors a day on average. That's fourteen wasted minutes. Sorry for not updating ever.

J left three days ago. She is doing really well in her new apartment so far. No trouble so far. I am proud of her.

When J left, I realized my house was in a state of total shock. Sky had regressed to having accidents every night, and sometimes during the day, even. My house was trashed. I don't think I put effort into cleaning anything besides the kitchen the whole time she was with us. I did eight loads of laundry (hers and ours) in two days. We usually only do three loads a week. I spent yesterday and the day before cleaning and recovering. I'm glad to say that now, my house is decent and Sky hasn't had an accident in two days. Yay!

I spent a couple of days with my neighbors, just relaxing in the beautiful weather. That too had its ups and downs. It's suffice to say not everyone is funny when they're drunk. Sally is waiting to test for pregnancy after her IUI a week and a half ago. Feel free to send happy baby thoughts her way (and stop-drinking-so-much-thoughts, too.)

Lisa took me to meet her family a few days ago. It was awesome. They are great people who really opened my eyes to this southern-lifestyle and how rewarding those relationships can be.

Last but not least.... Did I ever tell you about my penpal? Because I'm a total geek, I have a penpal. His name is Evan. He's in a dual-diagnostic rehab. (That's for drug problems and head problems.) He's been in treatment for two years now, and is only twenty. We've been talking for a couple months, and he's a really good kid. Anyway, Evan is dealing with rejection from his parents, and the fear of living independently. Send love his way also, if you so desire.