Thursday, May 05, 2005
Finding Trust with new eyes.

I went through my whole life fighting. My whole childhood was fighting authority. I fought my parents, teachers, brother, social worker..... My teenage years were spent fighting to find myself, fighting to find where to go, what to do, who to rely on, who to love, who to hate. My first relationships all ended in ridiculously large fights. I only have two friends left over from high-school, and that's not saying I didn't fight with them at times. They just stuck around until I got through it.

Then, one day...... I decided I was done fighting. I cut ties with those who "made me want to fight" (yes, I know I CHOSE to fight, but at the time it didn't feel like it). I met my husband. I was happy for awhile. I even got married.

When some of the people that I cut off so suddenly started creeping back into my life, I didn't know how to deal. I knew I didn't want to fight anymore. I gave myself two choices. I said: "Magnolia, you can be tough and get through this without adding stress to your life, or you can escape by yourself and be isolated forever." At the time, I was so sick of isolation that I started smiling through the interactions I didn't like. I didn't let myself get stressed, and I actually formed some relationships.

Then Trust crept in. Trust and I don't have a good relationship. Trust has lead me in the wrong direction in too many occasions. I found myself trusting the same people I fought with so many times in the past. It was good. For awhile.

Eventually, I started getting hurt. I built up so many walls that hurt could not touch me at one point, but it seem like as soon as I stopped fighting I started hurting. And I blamed Trust. It was those same people I fought with all those years that hurt me. When good suddenly turned bad with no apparent reason, as it did so many times, I couldn't cope. The hurt lasted a long time. In fact, the hurt still comes. Now I know how to tell it to go, and that makes all the difference.

See, I learned something new. I learned that I can chose who to Trust. Trust can work with me. Now we can talk and reach an agreement. I do not have to go from one extreme to another. I can find middle ground. When I ask myself: "Magnolia, why were their so many fights between you and those people?" I can answer. Those people weren't the best people to surround myself with. Those people were the same as me. Hurt, cold, untrusting. And now I realize I probably gave as much hurt as I took. And it all makes sense.

I am finally starting to deal with some of these issues. As is said, we seem to attract the same type of people until we change ourselves. I am starting to recognize people who need to go through their issues before they can keep themselves from hurting others (and getting hurt themselves.) And I keep at a distance, because that's what I need to do right now. I can see those faces from my past and decide which ones to trust. I can look back and see the patterns of hurt that will not change. I believe in second chances, but I refuse to believe in chance after chance when the results are always the same.

Trust confused me for awhile. I thought "If I can't trust the-one-who-is-supposed-to-be-trusted, then I can trust anyone." Like I was saying, I went from one extreme to another. Now, I know that I can trust (some) others. I know that while I was busy fighting, I neglected to see friends along the way. I focused on who I was fighting with, and anyone else was overlooked. I am lucky to be able to rebuild those relationships, minus any hurt I caused. I am lucky to be forgiven.

So that's where I'm at. I'm working to get to know those who were overlooked through the fighting days, and the days where I was wrapped up in my hurt. I want those bonds that could've been. It's really nice over here. I'm hoping to stay for awhile.






5 Comments:
Blogger Heidi had this to say:

wow, magnolia. that was such a good post! working through trust issues is no small feat, and I am so proud of you for sharing this post with others who can benefit from your words and experiences. thank you so much for sharing, and congrats on finding trust through new eyes!

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