Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Don't trouble trouble?

Wow. It's been a long time. Sorry I'm such a slacker.

J is still here. The timeline of her stay is undetermined as of yet. She is welcome as long as she wants, as I'd rather have her here than in trouble somewhere else.

My grandma used to have this saying that started "Don't trouble trouble unless..." I don't remember the rest, but I feel like it should apply here. I love J dearly, but I wish I could shake her sometimes.

Is drug dealing illegal if you never posses the drugs? I mean, are you considered a drug dealer if you find drugs for someone in need, free of charge, and pass info between the two parties? Yeah....that happened. I told her that was not something that was going to go on at/in/near my home, and I think she gets it. We've only been to two meetings so far (that's probably my fault), and are going to church regularly. J seems to be doing okay, but she gets a little crazy here and there. Last time she visited she was much more laid back.

My chief complaint is the constant moving. The rush to 'do'. J can't be in one place for more than an hour. This means I can't be in one place for more than an hour. Try keeping up with your housework on that schedule. I hate telling her we can't go to coffee at midnight every night, as I have to get up with the kids. Honestly, I just don't feel that comfortable driving around in the middle of the night, but when I say that she tells me she'll drive. I feel like I have a teenager for a child, not so much a best friend.

On the other hand, I know J is doing really, really well for someone who escaped a cult only to find herself living in a car for weeks before finally coming back. I want to be supportive. I want to give her everything she wants (which mainly consists of all my attention.) I'm not strong enough to be able to be that person for her and also be the mom I strive to be, the good wife, the 'homemaker'. I can't find a balance. I think her neediness is just too much for me to take on.

I know there is a reason for all of J's neediness. I feel like I'm being a bad friend when I have to say no. J has a counselor who is trying to help her with all of her feelings. I don't know exactly what they're doing, but let's hope it works.

In other news, Hero has his PT test tomorrow morning, followed immediately by his twenty-four hour shift. Wish him well.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005
How my garden grows

I think I'm finally done with my garden for the year. Now all that's left is watering, weeding, and cutting flowers down as they die.

I actually have three gardens. The first had white and purple tulips, which have expired. It has deep purple irises, multicolored gladiolus, and day lillies waiting to bloom. The second has expired tulips also, plus impatiens and pink begonias. The last is the biggest, and contains snapdragons, ageratum, verbena, portulaca, dianthus, celosia, red salvia, and lots of petunias (mostly purple, but also some pink and red/white). It also has gladiolus and day lillies waiting to bloom.

I'm really excited, as this has turned out to be the best garden I've had. I didn't know what to expect, but I am very pleased with the results. Best of all-- the annuals were free!

My friend J is planning on visiting again Friday, as she has already seen a little too much trouble since going back to Massachusetts. I'm wondering if the term 'self-fufilling prophecy' would fit this case? She is planning on staying for almost a week. I hope she does in fact end up coming, but I have my doubts.... It almost seems as if she likes being in trouble.

I need J's help as bad as she needs mine. I have a fear of people I don't know. It's almost like I can't get comfortable. I'd really like to join a bible study through my church. I was hoping if I brought her with me the first time I went, I wouldn't have so much trouble after that. We'll see what happens.

My last few days have been filled with boring downtime. There were a few highlights other than my garden, such as Sky putting playdoh in her ear (which is a bitch to get out...pray that it actually did all come out.) Also I've had a good few conversations with the neighbors, but nothing worth writing.

Monday, May 16, 2005
If you ever want to find me....

You can apparently google any of the following, as this is my most recent list of search terms on StatCounter.

--major problems of magnolia ice cream

(who knew there was such a thing?)

--massholes mighty mighty bostones

--trazidone pregnant

--Jason Hartley

(I actually get tons of hits searching for him in various different ways. Jason must be one popular guy.)

--"my husband's buddies" fuck

(please don't google this, as my ranking out of three-hundred and some-odd is already disgustingly high.)

--"killing the baby seals"

--getting pregnant while breastfeeding

Anyone care to share some of theirs?

Sunday, May 15, 2005
I love my neighbors.

I love my neighbors. This isn't really a new thing, but I realized that I never really updated on this. I pretty much left it at the part where we made friends. Now, let me tell you why I love them.

Lisa is my new 'best-friend' here. She's wacky and funny. She's very supportive of my uncertainties regarding "the way things go" in the military. Any questions that my husband can't find answers to, she will search until she finds the answers for us. My girls love her, and it seems as though she loves them too. Lisa was also really helpful showing me around. She's showed me the malls, the schools, the pharmacies that take our insurance, etc. I'm so glad to have stopped being so immensely antisocial for long enough to have made a friend.

Lisa's husband is Greg. Greg is funny too. He has a lot of cool stories about his life in the military. When I was in a rather uncomfortable situation a few weeks ago, Greg went out of his way to help me feel comfortable and safe. It was something he didn't have to do, and I greatly appreciate that a stranger would do that for me just because we are neighbors.

Lisa and Greg will be leaving us in January. Greg is retiring (he's done his twenty years), and they are moving far away. I'm really happy for them, as twenty years is more than enough for most in the military.

Sally and her husband are struggling with infertility, and I'm not a therapist, but I'm guessing that may be the reason she looks sad most of the time. She takes time to talk with the kids, and she even offered to watch them if we ever need a babysitter at a moment's notice (like an emergency). When I was too nervous to go complain about that awful nurse, Sally offered to come with me to help. She only has about two years in the military so far, and plans on doing it for life.

Bob always has some interesting fact to tell. He is patient with my kids when they jump on him and hand him dirt. (I think the girls may think he is their grandpa, as they drive the same truck. I've made it clear that he's not several times, but they still won't leave him alone.) He may or may not like my kids, but he always pays them attention. He acts kind of like 'the old guy that doesn't have any fun', but I don't know him well so that may or may not be true.

Sally just got orders to go to her next duty station. It is fairly close by, and since they both are from Maryland, they are taking the news pretty well. I'm hoping they arrive at the end of this road to parenthood as soon as possible, without too many bumps along the way.

Thursday, May 12, 2005
Times two

Where to start?

Moon's doctor is such a sweet woman. I want to keep her. She told me the reason a RAST test wouldn't really help at this point... It would help see the levels (like how allergic she is) in her blood, but since we already know she's somewhat allergic to everything, ultimately it would have no effect on caring for her eczema.

She also said that she didn't think a skin test was necessary. Just as I thought.

Medication wise, she said I could try the "knock her out" medicine, and if it did in fact knock her out, or had no effect on the itching I could always stop using it. She also said the oral steroid was indeed very strong, but it doesn't surprise her that an allergist suggested it. She said that one she was leaving up to me.

Moon's doctor then went on to put in a referral for Moon. Not just any referral, but a referral with THE BEST PEDIATRIC DERMATOLOGIST.




Or so say many. He wrote this book.

I am so happy to get this chance to have my daughter looked at by the best of the best. I hope we get in soon.

Now, the bad stuff. I'm trying not to think to much about it, but it has been eating at me all day. Keep in mind that the majority of Moon's appointments have been traumatic ones. Mostly for blood-work, treatment of skin infections, doctors peeking and/or poking at her eczema (which is usually either scabbed up or cracked).

When we went in to get Moon's vitals, she was screaming. Moon hates even going into the waiting room because she knows what's coming. I brought her care-bear collection to try and keep her mind off of everything. The nurse came in and made me take Moon's shoes off to weigh her. Moon's worst spots of eczema are on her ankles, so she really started freaking out. The nurse then insisted she sit on the baby scale by saying "Okay, if you're not going to stand up, then we'll make you sit on this."--Like it was a punishment. Moon continued flipping out, and I was trying to alternate between holding her and sitting her on the scale for long enough to get a reading. She was NOT having it.

Anyway, the nurse took the carebears away, probably thinking it would help Moon pay attention. After five horrible minutes of trying to get Moon to sit down, and repeatedly telling the nurse that Moon weighed twenty-four pounds at her well baby visit a month ago, the nurse started YELLING AT MOON. She kept yelling "SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN."

Moon reacted by screaming louder, and jumping into my arms, at which point I said "Enough." And I comforted her.

As I said, this has been eating at me. I told my neighbor (Lisa) about it, and she said I should complain. She even got the name of the woman to complain to from the Sally (other neighbor), who works at the clinic. I think I'm going to go to visit the clinic tomorrow and tell them what happened and why it bothered me. I'm afraid it will make for bad visits in the future, though.

Well, here's hoping Moon can see the pediatric dermatologist soon. Have a good night.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Second opinion

Today was the Big Allergist Appointment for Moon. What a scam. I wish I could say there was at least ONE thing learned that would be beneficial to my daughter, but there was not.

It went something like this:

Arrive, get in with doctor remarkably quick. Take history from birth. Breastfeeding history, formulas she was on, first foods. Did we live in any homes with carpet in the last two years? Air conditioning?

Doctor then checks Moon's skin (please note: this is an ALLERGIST). He says: "You have NEVER had a skin test done on this child?" She's only two. Ofcourse not. All three of her previous doctors have insisted we rely on RAST testing for a baby.

He then begins to manipulate me. "Does she have hayfever?"

"No, I am simply here for a rast test to determine if her levels have gone down any since she has been off of a restricted diet. That was the purpose of this referral." I'm getting really pissed.

"Does she sneeze?"

"Not really."

"Does her nose run?"


"Is it clear?" Ofcourse it's clear, because if it wasn't, she'd be sick. I don't say that, though. I simply say:

"Yes, when it runs it is usually clear."

"Does she scratch her eyes at all?"

"Yes, seeing that she has eczema on her cheeks, she does scratch her eyes. That is why I want the rast testing redone. If I knew what made her itchy all the time, I could possibly eliminate it from her diet again, so long as the levels are lower on some of the other allergies."

"Well, I think you should have a half-hour skin test done. I'll be right back." He leaves, and comes back with a care sheet for me to follow. The care sheet includes all of the things we have been doing for the last two years (with no results), plus an oral steroid, an external steroid that failed to work in the past (recent past, that is), and a drug to knock her out when she starts scratching (actually, an antihistamine, like Claritin, only way stronger.)

I correct his mistakes. I tell him that the DERMATOLOGIST said not to use such strong steroids on a child this age. I tell him that I'd prefer if he just did the rast testing, and let the DERMATOLOGIST handle the rest. He insists I take the care sheet, four prescriptions (including an epi-pen because our others are almost expired), and tells me to make an appointment for the half-hour skin testing at my earliest convenience. Okay, bye.

I'm pissed. This guy must think he's some kind of genius. I mean, we practically got kicked out of Italy because the doctors weren't able to handle my daughter's condition. It's a little more serious than the average case of eczema. So instead of checking her food allergies to see what's going on, let's drug her to the point where she can't think and see if she's allergic to trees. Seriously.

As soon as I closed the door behind me I called our regular pediatrician and made an appointment to discuss the referral and the list of new drugs. I know she will agree with me, she'll wonder why he didn't do the testing he was supposed to do, and hopefully.....HOPEFULLY, she'll just let us get the rast testing done there. Cross your fingers for us on Thursday.

I know this may sound stupid on my part. Moon very well could be allergic to trees. I was allergic to twelve different things (plants, pollens, dust, mold, pet dander, etc.) when I was a child. There was nothing anyone could do about it, though. I mean we can avoid pets, but there's no getting away from dust or oak trees. We tried all the special furniture coverings and lots of other useless crap. I honestly just out grew my allergies.

I know this may not be my daughter's case, but I still think she's too young to go through that horrendous process. Not only that, but it is undetermined if she has anaphylaxis. She has never had any anaphylactic reaction, but has had rast levels high enough to be prescribed epi-pens from six months of age to present. If they put something in her body, and she does have a reaction.....well, let's not think about that. I'm just trying to give you an idea of why I feel this strongly about not doing skin testing yet.

Sunday, May 08, 2005
Making me look like an angel.

I'd talk about mother's day, but it was pretty boring. The highlights included getting up late (and therefore missing church..BAD MAMA), playing with my new digital camera, and having a very relaxing day with my family. I love them all so much.

On to the gossip.

Remember how I was kind of embarrased about my loud mouth Friday? Well, luckily Saturday rolled around and my neighbors (we'll call them Bob and Sally) made me look like an angel. Our walls are all pretty sound-proof, and you could still hear them fighting. I had to turn music on so I wouldn't hear them. I try not to be nosy, but I tend to "listen" if I don't do something to distract myself.

I was pretty sure police were going to have to get involved, but when I finally turned my music off, (after ready-ing kids to go out) Sally was gone, and Bob was talking to our 'Greg' (our other neighbor). Greg's wife 'Lisa' said Sally went to her sister's house. It's suffice to say Lisa was angry about the noise. Sally didn't come home that night.

Personally, Hero and I haven't been in any fight big enough to leave us unable to be around each other. There were fights in the past that made me want to throw things, but I restrained myself. I'm sure he's wanted to choke me a few times, but he never does (lucky for me). I know what ever they were fighting about was probably pretty bad. I guess it took the focus off me, though.

Friday, May 06, 2005
An argument officially overheard by my neighbors

Ok, let me start off by saying this is going to sound worse than it was. There was no actual argument, I was just trying to make a point. I just have a tendency to make points quite loudly.

Setting: Hero, kids, and I sitting outside.

Me: Getting up, "I'll be out in a minute, I just have to put the rug cleaner down". Walks inside (door is open)

Hero: Follows inside.

Me: You can't leave the kids outside alone.

Hero: I'm just getting the scissors

Me: I don't care, don't do it again.

Hero: Walks outside, slamming drawer rather loudly as he goes.

Me: Now frustrated, almost yelling, follows Hero outside. "Why do you think Moon tantrums so much? Because she learns from YOU, that's why. Don't be slamming stuff around. Do you want me to delete you?

Ok, I know that was an untrue thing to say, she tantrums because she is two.

Anyway, I gathered myself and walked outside. All my neighbors were outside, and stopped talking. Hero told me they had been listening previously. I got kind of embarrassed, but it passed.

Later, I called up my friend to tell her about my antics. She asked what I meant by the "Do you want me to delete you" line. I explained that I am addicted to Hero's video game, and I meant I was going to delete his character so it would be all mine.

Uhhh-Ohhh.... What do you think my neighbors thought it meant? I hope they didn't think I was threatening to kill him. Spent next half-hour laughing.

Thursday, May 05, 2005
Finding Trust with new eyes.

I went through my whole life fighting. My whole childhood was fighting authority. I fought my parents, teachers, brother, social worker..... My teenage years were spent fighting to find myself, fighting to find where to go, what to do, who to rely on, who to love, who to hate. My first relationships all ended in ridiculously large fights. I only have two friends left over from high-school, and that's not saying I didn't fight with them at times. They just stuck around until I got through it.

Then, one day...... I decided I was done fighting. I cut ties with those who "made me want to fight" (yes, I know I CHOSE to fight, but at the time it didn't feel like it). I met my husband. I was happy for awhile. I even got married.

When some of the people that I cut off so suddenly started creeping back into my life, I didn't know how to deal. I knew I didn't want to fight anymore. I gave myself two choices. I said: "Magnolia, you can be tough and get through this without adding stress to your life, or you can escape by yourself and be isolated forever." At the time, I was so sick of isolation that I started smiling through the interactions I didn't like. I didn't let myself get stressed, and I actually formed some relationships.

Then Trust crept in. Trust and I don't have a good relationship. Trust has lead me in the wrong direction in too many occasions. I found myself trusting the same people I fought with so many times in the past. It was good. For awhile.

Eventually, I started getting hurt. I built up so many walls that hurt could not touch me at one point, but it seem like as soon as I stopped fighting I started hurting. And I blamed Trust. It was those same people I fought with all those years that hurt me. When good suddenly turned bad with no apparent reason, as it did so many times, I couldn't cope. The hurt lasted a long time. In fact, the hurt still comes. Now I know how to tell it to go, and that makes all the difference.

See, I learned something new. I learned that I can chose who to Trust. Trust can work with me. Now we can talk and reach an agreement. I do not have to go from one extreme to another. I can find middle ground. When I ask myself: "Magnolia, why were their so many fights between you and those people?" I can answer. Those people weren't the best people to surround myself with. Those people were the same as me. Hurt, cold, untrusting. And now I realize I probably gave as much hurt as I took. And it all makes sense.

I am finally starting to deal with some of these issues. As is said, we seem to attract the same type of people until we change ourselves. I am starting to recognize people who need to go through their issues before they can keep themselves from hurting others (and getting hurt themselves.) And I keep at a distance, because that's what I need to do right now. I can see those faces from my past and decide which ones to trust. I can look back and see the patterns of hurt that will not change. I believe in second chances, but I refuse to believe in chance after chance when the results are always the same.

Trust confused me for awhile. I thought "If I can't trust the-one-who-is-supposed-to-be-trusted, then I can trust anyone." Like I was saying, I went from one extreme to another. Now, I know that I can trust (some) others. I know that while I was busy fighting, I neglected to see friends along the way. I focused on who I was fighting with, and anyone else was overlooked. I am lucky to be able to rebuild those relationships, minus any hurt I caused. I am lucky to be forgiven.

So that's where I'm at. I'm working to get to know those who were overlooked through the fighting days, and the days where I was wrapped up in my hurt. I want those bonds that could've been. It's really nice over here. I'm hoping to stay for awhile.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Hero is waaayyy too into video games. He was telling me about this game (normally I hate when he does that), and I decided to try it. And now I can't stop. It is called Fable (xbox), and it is the reason I am not blogging much today. Sorry.