Sunday, February 27, 2005
PT test, diets, all things that I don't love

Hero had a PT test Thursday. He passed, as usual. When he got his height and weight done, he weighed 172 lbs. That's good, right? His limit was 174......

Or so he thought.

He got a counseling statement, and had to see the First Sergent. It turns out his maximum weight is...169 lbs! So he's in fat people's PT until the First Sergent decides he can get out.

So Hero's going crazy about all this. He had a promotion riding on that test, and now it's delayed (said promotion going to be given to him 6 MONTHS EARLY if he passed the whole test). I don't think it's a big deal, but he does.

OKAY, no problem, lose some weight, it's only 3 lbs.

It's not that simple. When he goes on a diet, I go on a diet, and G*d knows I need it. I happily supported him for the first few hours, I made the secret-to-weight-loss-taste-free-soup (Weight Watchers Drop diet.), I ate it (EWWWW), and he and I both did well, but ewww!!

I know when he goes to work tommorrow I can eat what ever I want, but I won't, cuz I'm just that honest. We already have big plans for Sunday (which will be the next time we eat).

Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Let us start with Insomnia

I want to explain my insomnia, and insomnia in general, because it is so much of who I am. At times it defines me.

Insomnia is not a disease. It sounds like one, feels like one, and has symptoms like a disease, but it is not. Insomnia is 'just' a symptom. For many it is a symptom of emotional distress or depression. For others it is a symptom of weight gain. There are some who's insomnia is lifestyle related, caused by what they eat/don't eat, what time they work, when they exercise. For me insomnia is related to depression.

My depression started when I was twelve, and has long since passed, but the years it was with me will not be forgotten. Right around the same time the insomnia came, and though it leaves for days, sometimes even weeks, it always pushes its way back in to my life.

Insomnia is described as lack of sleep or poor sleep habits for more than three weeks. Three weeks would have been a lot easier than this! When I first had trouble sleeping I went to a psychiatrist who prescribed medication (Trazidone) which would help with my depression and lack of sleep...or not. She had me keep a 'sleep diary' also, which was a daily record of when I slept and when I woke up. All the diary did was tell her I had insomnia.

My 'symptom' affects my life in so many ways. It causes me to have poor concentration and effects my memory. It makes me irritable and moody. I get very tired at odd times, and sometimes fall asleep in not-such-a-good-time-to-sleep situations (like driving, eating, talking on the phone). I feel like I'm in slow motion very often. I look at the clock and wonder where the day went and why I only managed to clean the kitchen, or why my girls are now an hour late for lunch. I dread the night. I enjoy it for its productivity, but I dread it because I know not sleeping is what makes me feel awful every day. Yet I can't change that. I can't seem to function around people anymore. I am 'scared' of going anywhere with groups of people, basic social interaction is terrifying.

I could go to another psychiatrist. He or she could prescribe me a different medication. I could talk about the past and hope to unlock some mystery that keeps me up at night, but I've done it all before. I can't go on a medication that would cause me to sleep so heavily I wouldn't react to my girls. I have been through endless years of therapy with no feeling better about my past. I chose to work it out on my own. I'm hoping I will overcome this in time, like I did my depression. I am hoping for at least several nights with four consecutive hours of sleep or more, all in a row.

In the meantime I wait. I wait for sleep to come.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

What is life?

We are born. We go through childhood and adolesence making memories and developing goals. We grow older, make decisions that best fit with our individual lifestyles, try to support ourselves, and strive for happiness.

But Life is so much more than that, isn't it?

It is waking up next to the one you love and knowing things will be okay for now. It is sunny skies and beaches. It is children laughing, children playing. It is learning, teaching, and growing. It is walks in spring. It is getting dirty. It is falling down and getting up again. It is solving problems. It is starry nights. It is wonderful.


It is being hurt. It is hurting. It is screaming kids and power struggles that last much too long. It is falling, failing. It is a lack of humor. It is moving, settling, moving again. It is trying to keep your head above water. It is unending insomnia and sleepless nights. It is pain.

That may not be your life, but it is mine. Those are some of the topics I may cover in this blog while trying to find some kind of middle ground.


Me- Mrs. Mother of two girls, stay at home mom, army wife, insomniac, narrorator.

Husband- Hero. Father of two girls, active army enlisted, mechanic, daydreamer, video game professional (as judged by himself).

Daughter age 3- Sky. Mommy to many dolls, caretaker of all stuffed animals- no matter how large or small.

Daughter age 2- Moon. Artist, gymnast, master of escape.