Friday, February 02, 2007
Does this make me a bad person?

I think it's really selfish that Julie decided to go with Ryan's father instead of marrying Bullit. At least if she married Bullit he could have taken custody of Katelyn next time Julie reverted to her old crazy self and began making everyone miserable again.


We got half an inch of snow in the early-morning hours and school was delayed two hours because of it. Whenever I think I've adjusted to the slower-paced southern ways something like this happens and reminds me of where I am from. And where I am supposed to be. By the time the two hours were up, all the snow had melted.

Also, can someone please pinpoint exactly when the late '80s came back? Seriously. I'm still desperately trying to forget them.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Remember Me?

I know I'm not worthy of having a blog and also that my unworthiness will only increase because I don't know if I'm commiting to this blog again or just feeling ready to write today.... Five months later.

I think I left off somewhere around a second Massachusetts visit, maybe? Everything is stable with Hero's grandma, which is a huge shock to everyone. The rest of the family is the same as they have always been.

Sky started school, and it is going fabulously. She is picking up so many new things. Her handwriting is mostly legible. She isn't reading, just copying, but I am fully impressed with that. She made a few friends, one whose name I am still unsure of. It's a great environment for her to be in. She really is thriving.

Moon is gaining independance. Finally. Her eczema is so much better these days. She is having a few behavioral difficulties that her doctor is thus far unconcerned with. Of course, I'm still concerned...

We are still here; still in Maryland's vast nothingness that has become home. Changes should be coming soon, and I'm not really sure how I feel about that. But all in all, all is well.

Saturday, May 20, 2006
The End. And a Beginning.

I know I have to get this all down, and my mind is telling me it is about that time. So here it goes:

Day one in Massachusetts. Driving all night was as tiring as it has ever been, so we all settled at my grandma's for a morning of relaxing, coloring, practicing math, and chatting it up. As the hours passed, I started to feel sleepy and Hero decided to take a short trip to visit with his family with the girls. It was his dad's only day off, so it was important for him to do that. They left, and I napped shortly while watching a show with my grandma. She later reprimanded me for snoring on her shoulder, but I know she really didn't mind.

I woke up about forty-five minutes later and did some cleaning for her. It was enjoyable and as always; her company was fufilling. We sat down for tea and more discussion when my dad walked in the door. It was an instant fight. Well, on his part, anyway. He started insulting me about my clothes (sweats, as usual) and my health (the apnea). I tried to be polite with the "I really appreciate that you care so much" and the "I'm doing really well now" comments. Nothing was working.

Dad spewed his hate for about ten more minutes, with the level of anger rising and falling throughout. It was pretty inconsistant and a bit scary. I didn't know what to expect, and history taught me to be still in case he was going to get violent. So I sat still. And listened. And observed. It went something like this: (Keep in mind this is somewhat of a stream of consciousness)

Who is this man? What used to frighten me? He looks so tired...weak...miserable. Did he do the things he did because he was so unhappy, or is this new? All those years of rage and he hasn't changed; he hasn't found whatever it is he's looking for. And what is he saying? It's so petty. How did these things ever hurt me? I must be over it. I must be healed.

And I am. When he was done, when he saw it didn't hurt me, he left, slamming the door on his way. I excused myself, went into the bathroom, and cried. This time I was crying for him. My hard feelings are gone. The resentment is gone. The anger for what he put us through is gone. I realize now that he is only slightly different than I am. He is a man with a personality disorder who hasn't sought any help. I could have been him.


It's been a few weeks now, and I've been trying hard to surface some uncomfortable memories. They certainly come, don't get me wrong, but instead of hurting...they teach. And I want to learn! I want to be able to identify the patterns that I have learned from him and eliminate them. I lucked out (or something) when it comes to patterns of child abuse, but I know there are others. I know I have his anger, his critical thinking, his codependant tendancies. I also know I can change. And so I am. Changing.

Monday, May 15, 2006
Massachusetts: Round Two

It went surprisingly well! Sure, there was the ever-feared surprise visit from the hatred-spewing father, but I came out just fine. David's grandma is doing well, considering. She looks happy. Alive, even. The irony in that... I probably shouldn't go there.

I'm a lazy, lazy blogger lately. Consider it a good thing, as it means I've been more than content. I'm learning and growing at a rather rapid pace. When it slows a little, I'm sure I'll be updating more often.

Some things to keep you busy:

--Myspace. Yes, myspace. I know it's a kid thing, but my friend introduced me and I'm hooked. How cool is it to be able to reunite with your old high-school and college buddies?

--TypeLogic. Great links, great info. If you're into that kind of thing (psycho analysis), that is. I am.

--PostSecret. This is one of those kick ass anonymous secret sharing sites. The people who submit their secrets do so on postcards which are posted once a week. They have some books published, also.

--FitDay Dieting? I should be. This site is simply wonderful for all the tracking of calories consumed/burned/foods eaten/excersize done/on and on. If you need structure, go here. If you are like me, on the other hand, and run away as fast as you can....well, it's probably not for you.

--Anxiety Culture. No words, just check it out.

--Freecycle. I always have to link to freecycle when I post random links. Because it's worth it.

So, that's it!

Saturday, April 29, 2006
Wait. Again.

I'm departing to Massachusetts again tomorrow. I really thought my blog would be....ummm....posted in before now. When I return, I promise more interesting material!

Things have been going well in life. A big tumble down the side of a mountain resulted in a hell of a hike back up. But the hike back up took place! And it's undeniable! And wonderful! And the view the second time around is so much better! Hero had a similar tumble, except he was only a few feet from the mountain base. He's still hiking though; not going to stop for anything. He's passing a lot of small, yet immensely significant trail markers along the way.

So, yeah. See you Thursday.